When Marriage “Tips” Hurt More Than They Help

“Just communicate more.”

“Schedule a weekly date night.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

If you’ve spent time around marriage advice—whether Christian or secular—you’ve heard these lines a hundred times. They sound kind. They sound wise. But used at the wrong time, they can actually accelerate divorce.

As a pastor, mentor, or friend, you may find yourself repeating these phrases because you don’t know what else to say. Let’s be honest: sometimes simple “marriage tips” are a way of avoiding the real issue—the difficult work of covenant faithfulness and moral courage.

The Problem: When Tips Replace Covenant

Many popular marriage tips are built on three faulty assumptions:

• The Main Problem: The issue is a communication technique, not the state of the heart.
• The Primary Goal: The goal is personal happiness and fulfillment, not covenant faithfulness.
• The Measure of Success: Success is measured by how the couple feels, not by whether vows are honored and children are protected.

So when a wife says, “I don’t feel in love anymore,” or a husband says, “We’ve just grown apart,” the common advice is:

• “Have you tried a love languages quiz?”
• “Maybe you two need more fun together.”
• “You can’t pour from an empty cup; you deserve to be fulfilled.”

These things might help a mildly stuck marriage. But when spoken into a situation where one spouse is already considering the exit, they can function like a permission slip:

“If the tips don’t immediately fix your feelings, maybe the marriage itself is the problem.”

The result? Divorce dressed up in the language of self-care.

A Different Starting Point: Vows First, Feelings Second

As a marriage-saving mentor, you must invert the cultural order and start with reality.

1. Vows First

• What did you promise? To whom?
• What was your understanding of “for better or worse“?

2. Responsibility Second

• Who is making the marriage untenable—by adultery, abandonment, or violence?
• Who is willing to repent, change, and fight for the future?

3. Feelings Third

• How do you feel in light of those realities?
• What can we do to nurture right feelings over time?

This approach doesn’t mean feelings don’t matter. It means you refuse to treat them as final verdicts.

Here is a simple, disruptive question you can ask when a spouse says, “I’m just not happy anymore”:

“Did your vows promise lifelong emotional satisfaction, or did they promise faithfulness in the seasons where satisfaction is hard to find?”

You are not minimizing their pain. You are rescuing them from a deadly, culturally-driven confusion.

A Case Study: When Tips Made Things Worse

Consider Mark and Rachel. They started with ordinary conflict about money and parenting. Over time, Mark withdrew into work and screens; Rachel vented to friends.

Friends and influencers told Rachel, “You deserve to be cherished. If he won’t meet your needs, maybe he’s not your person.”

Rachel tried all the common tips: date nights, new clothing, new hobbies, even “detaching” to see if he would chase her.

When none of it produced the feeling she wanted, she concluded: “I’ve tried everything. I guess divorce is the only honest option.”

The truth? They had never once:

• Named their vows out loud in counseling.
• Confessed sin and asked each other’s forgiveness.
• Invited a mentor couple to walk with them weekly.
• Seriously examined the consequences of quitting.

They had tried tips. They had never truly tried covenant.

Three Tools Mentors Can Use Instead of Empty Tips

Here are three concrete tools you can offer instead of one-size-fits-all, superficial advice.

1. The Vows Reality Check

Sit down with a couple and ask them each to answer, in writing:

• “What did you think ‘for better or worse’ meant when you married?”
• “If we applied that promise to this season, what would it obligate you to do—or not do?”
• “What would it mean to keep your vows if your feelings never fully came back?”

Read their answers together. Pray. Then ask the clarifying question:

“Given what you promised, what is the next courageous step for you—no matter what your spouse chooses?”

2. The Church-Backed Support Plan

Don’t just say, “You should work on your marriage.” Offer structure and accountability:

• Weekly check-ins with a mentor couple for 6–8 weeks.
• A commitment to one specific new habit (e.g., device-free dinners, shared prayer, or attending a class together).
• A clear safety plan and boundaries where there has been abuse or addiction.

Write it out and have them sign it—not as a legal document, but as an act of serious commitment.

3. The “Hard Question” You Refuse to Dodge

When someone hints at separating “to figure things out” or “for the kids’ sake,” gently but firmly ask:

“If you take this step, what story will your children be told about why their family broke? Will it match the truth? And ten years from now, will you be able to tell that same story honestly before God?”

That single, honest question has pulled many people back from the brink of divorce.

Action Steps For This Week

To turn your church or community away from hollow tips and toward covenant faithfulness, try these steps this week:

1. Retire One Phrase: Choose one overused line (“You deserve to be happy” or “Just communicate more”) and simply stop saying it. Replace it with a vows-first question.
2. Test the Vows Reality Check: Use it with one couple or one spouse you are mentoring. Let their answers guide your next steps.
3. Draft a Simple Support Plan Template: Create a one-page template with three sections: mentoring check-ins, one new habit, and any needed safety boundaries.
4. Teach One Disruptive Insight: In a sermon, class, or small group, explain why feelings can’t be the final judge of a marriage’s worth—and how vows re-anchor us.

The world is drowning in “marriage hacks.” What we lack are men and women who will look couples in the eye, honor their pain, and still call them back to the vows they spoke.

Be that person.