Are Today’s Marriage Tips Actually Hurting Couples?

Is modern marriage advice harmful?

Some popular guidance may push couples apart instead of helping them find their way back to love and commitment.

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Is modern marriage advice harmful? When was the last time you heard advice about marriage that made you stop and think, “Is that really helpful?” Could it be that some of today’s advice, while well-meaning, is doing more to harm relationships than to heal them?

What if this guidance, often given with the best of intentions, is actually paving the way for more divorces instead of stronger marriages?

Is Modern Marriage Advice Driving Couples Apart?

The Guardian recently published an article by Linda Blair titled “Should I try to save my parents’ marriage?“ While the article offers guidance that may seem reasonable at first glance, could there be deeper issues with this type of advice? Is it possible that telling children to step aside, as if their parents’ marriage is none of their concern, is missing something crucial?

Yes, it’s true that parents sometimes unfairly drag children into their conflicts, and it’s understandable to want to shield kids from that stress. But is it fair to ignore the fact that children have a deep interest in keeping their families intact?

How would you feel if your family was being torn apart and you were told you had no say in it? Could there be a better way to support the whole family? Is modern marriage advice harmful when it tells parents to keep children in the dark?

Why Do We Tell Kids to Stay Out of It?

Are we relieving the children’s burden by telling them to mind their own business, or are we simply shifting the responsibility entirely onto the parents? Is this approach helping anyone in the long run? Perhaps the real solution is to encourage parents to honor the promises they made in their wedding vows, rather than encouraging their children to “butt out.”

Wouldn’t it be more powerful to show kids that marriage is worth fighting for? And if so, how can we model that kind of integrity in our own relationships?

Are We Being Too Harsh?

Is it possible that I’m being a bit too judgmental here? After all, if one spouse is being violent or unfaithful, shouldn’t the other spouse be able to leave without guilt?

Certainly, it isn’t fair to expect anyone to endure cruelty or betrayal. But how often do we forget that every action has consequences—on both the spouse and the entire family? Isn’t it the responsibility of both parents to consider the long-term impact on their children?

Is modern marriage advice harmful when it tells parents to follow their impulses and not to be concerned about the long term effects of their decisions?

Is the “Ups and Downs” Narrative a Cop-Out?

How many times have you heard someone say, “All marriages have their ups and downs”? But is that true, or are we just normalizing bad behavior?

The Guardian article quotes a child who observes that her father “speaks to her mother as if she is stupid” and her mother responds with “sexist but fair” remarks about his shortcomings. Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? Or does it sound like two people making excuses for treating each other poorly?

Could it be that we’ve become too comfortable with the idea that being unkind is just part of marriage? And if we accept that, what does it teach our children about love and commitment?

What if, instead of using meanness as a way to express our frustrations, we focused on kindness and open communication? How might that change the dynamic in our homes?

But Is modern marriage advice harmful when it creates a false dichotomy? Here, only two choices are given–tolerate abuse or don’t. Why chose between the two worst possible choices when there are good choices?

The Walkaway Bride: A Modern Myth?

Have you ever heard the story of the “walkaway bride“? The story goes like this: A wife nags her husband. He ignores her. She gets fed up and leaves.

He’s devastated. But is this really a story about one spouse walking away, or is it a tale of two people who stopped trying to understand each other long ago?

Why do we blame the “walkaway bride” for leaving when the truth is, both spouses stopped communicating and showing love? Could it be that the real problem isn’t that she walked away, but that they both gave up on the marriage long before the divorce papers were filed?

But Is modern marriage advice harmful when it romanticizes leaving or throws the blame onto the abandoned spouse? Is modern marriage advice harmful when it suggests that the walkaway husband or wife leaves because of the faithful spouse’s shortcomings? Aren’t the wedding vows a promise to endure for better or worse?

Some people complain and announce that they have been “patient for so long”. But do patient people ever announce their patience? It isn’t the patient people who boast of their patience, but the impatient ones who prattle on about how long they have been patient the very moment their patience is tried.

Do patient people ever force their families to suffer the consequences of their own failure to be faithful to their vows? I don’t think they ever do.

The Fallout: Is Divorce Ever Really Clean?

Is it true that divorce is better for the children, as long as the parents “handle it like adults”? What about the real fallout that often comes after a family is torn apart? Could this narrative be sugar-coating the deep pain and trauma that many children experience after a divorce?

What happens when a spouse who feels betrayed turns to violence, addiction, or even suicide? What about the children who are left wondering if they can ever trust love or commitment again? Do they learn resilience, or do they carry the scars of their parents’ failed marriage into their own relationships?

Can We Do Better?

What if, instead of letting marriages fall apart, we modeled better relationship skills for each other and our children? Could showing more gratitude and less criticism make a difference? If we complain less and focus more on the good, wouldn’t our homes feel more peaceful and loving?

How do you show love to your spouse? Do you listen more than you talk? Do you treat your spouse with the same kindness and respect that you expect?

What kind of behavior are you modeling for your children? Could modeling good relationship skills now save your marriage—and theirs—down the road?