Mentor tries to save a marriage for a couple before a sunset

How to Save a Marriage

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in

Mentor tries to save a marriage for a couple before a sunset

Read more: How to Save a Marriage

Breaking the Cycle of Conflict in Marriage: A Guide for Mentors and Couples

How to save a marriage? The challenges in marriage are universal, but the success of a relationship depends on how couples approach and resolve these challenges. Research led by Dr. John Gottman highlights contempt as one of the strongest predictors of divorce. But he also gives more than mere predictions or advice–he gives training, videos, things I believe would help save a marriage.

A happy couple at home enjoying time together.

Note: I highly recommend visiting Dr. Gottman’s website.

Many of the people I quote or mention are not my “competition” but rather are my heroes who are much more qualified than me. I stand on their shoulders.

And I do not mean to suggest they would endorse me. It is I who humbly endorse them with great appreciation.

And in this case, this is not an affiliate link for supporting this website financially as some of my links are. I just simply like his research.

Contempt, along with criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, creates destructive patterns that weaken the foundation of marriage.

This guide aims to help mentors and individuals improve their own relationships and assist others in fostering healthier, more resilient marriages. By breaking negative cycles and nurturing respect, couples can create lasting connections.


Healing Yourself to Help Others
Or How to Save a Marriage and Save Your Own, too!

Mentors must first focus on improving their own relationships. Breaking harmful patterns is the first step to healing emotional wounds and setting a positive example.

A lady meditating.  My daughter does this.  For me, I prefer to pray.

Step 1: Gain Emotional Perspective

When faced with hurtful situations:

  • Pause and Reflect: In fact, take a moment to breathe deeply and calm your emotions. This helps reduce reactive impulses.
  • Understand the Root Cause: For example, recognize that hurtful behavior often stems from your partner’s stress, frustration, or personal struggles—not necessarily an intent to harm you.
  • Identify Your Feelings: Naming your emotions, such as sadness or frustration, can help diffuse their intensity.
Sometimes the best thing a couple can do is to turn toward rather than away, to risk caring about each other's feelings and never to dismiss or allow contempt to take over.

Step 2: Respond with Care

Avoid retaliating or escalating conflicts:

  • Acknowledge Their Emotions: Even if you disagree, validate your partner’s feelings by saying, “I see that you’re upset, and I’d like to understand more.”
  • Show Compassion: React with kindness and empathy, asking yourself, “What response would strengthen, rather than harm, our connection?”
  • Seek Common Ground: Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, work together to resolve the issue.

Step 3: Build Emotional Resilience

Resilience strengthens your ability to navigate tough moments:

  • Practice Gratitude: In fact, each day, identify something you value about your partner, no matter how small.
  • Embrace Challenges as Growth Opportunities: So, use conflicts as a chance to deepen your understanding of each other.
  • Find Trusted Support: For example, lean on mentors or friends who model healthy relationships for advice and encouragement.

Mentoring Couples Without Meddling

Certainly, mentoring others requires a balance between offering guidance and respecting boundaries. So, here’s how to support couples without overstepping:

How to, and how not to, save a marriage. A wise couple can help. More often, unwise couples are brought in as the witch in the Wizard of Oz brought in flying monkeys to do her bidding--for reinforcement in fixing blame.  Unfaithful narcissists do this to cast blame and destroy their faithful partners.  Choose your mentors wisely!

Step 1: Build Rapport

Because trust is the foundation of effective mentoring.

  • Be Open About Your Journey: Share relatable experiences to create an atmosphere of honesty.
  • Listen More Than You Speak: Allow couples to express themselves without jumping in to offer solutions.
  • Respect Confidentiality: Assure couples that their struggles will remain private.

Step 2: Guide, Don’t Dictate

Mentors should act as facilitators, not fixers.

  • Ask Questions Instead of Giving Orders: For instance, ask, “How do you feel this behavior impacts your relationship?” instead of offering unsolicited advice.
  • Provide Tools, Not Just Answers: Recommend resources like communication exercises or books that can empower couples to take initiative.
  • Celebrate Their Wins: Acknowledge even small steps toward improvement to encourage perseverance.

Step 3: Encourage Responsibility

Support couples without enabling unhealthy habits:

  • Avoid Bias: Refrain from taking sides; focus on helping both partners find common ground.
  • Set Clear Limits: Let couples know you’re there to support, not solve, their problems.
  • Recommend Professional Help When Needed: For issues beyond your expertise, suggest credible counseling services or workshops.

How to Save a Marriage by
Cultivating Respect and Appreciation

Healthy marriages thrive on mutual respect and gratitude. Here’s how mentors can help foster these values:

First: Start with Small Actions

  • Daily Acts of Kindness: Even simple gestures, like expressing thanks for small tasks, can build goodwill.
  • Focused Listening: Show attentiveness during conversations by maintaining eye contact and avoiding distractions.
  • Share Positives Daily: Make a habit of complimenting your partner or expressing gratitude for something they did.
Be brave and express respect and appreciation.  Proactively.  Intentionally.  Sacrificially.  Faithfully.  Decisively.  Learn to disagree without dismissing your spouse's feelings and concerns impatiently if you can.  Forgive yourself and apologize when you cannot!

Second: Create Shared Rituals

  • Regular Check-Ins: Dedicate weekly time to discuss feelings, successes, or areas for improvement.
  • Scheduled Quality Time: Plan activities or date nights to maintain a sense of connection.
  • Pursue Shared Interests: Find activities you both enjoy to strengthen your bond.

Third: Break Negative Patterns

  • Shift Criticism to Constructive Requests: Replace accusatory phrases with actionable suggestions, like “Could we work together to keep the kitchen tidy?”
  • Address Contempt Immediately: If contempt arises, pause and refocus on resolving the underlying issue respectfully.
  • Apologize and Repair Quickly: After disagreements, take responsibility and work together to rebuild trust.

Strengthening Commitment and Resilience

Resilience enables couples to persevere through challenges without giving up. Commitment reinforces the decision to stay and grow together.

See your commitment as final and firm.  It tells of your worth as a person of integrity and honor.  It speaks of your competence as a man or a woman.

Step 1: Change the Mindset

  • View Challenges as Opportunities: Every disagreement can teach something new about your partner and relationship.
  • Focus on Long-Term Goals: Remind yourself that current difficulties are temporary, while the relationship is enduring.
  • Adopt a Solution-Oriented Approach: Look for ways to solve problems rather than dwelling on frustrations.

Step 2: Build External Support

  • Foster a Positive Community: Surround yourselves with couples who encourage and model healthy marriages.
  • Practice Faith or Mindfulness: For some, spiritual practices provide strength and perspective.
  • Leverage Educational Resources: Books, workshops, and mentorship programs can provide fresh insights and tools.

Read, read, read.  Be proactive.  Don't wait until there are problems in your marriage to learn how to make your marriage better.  You don't have to pay zillions for counselors and divorce attorneys and two houses and a miserable life because of a marriage collapse.  Go for the best in life for yourself and your children.

Proven Resources for Conflict Resolution

For couples seeking to resolve conflicts effectively, these resources offer evidence-based solutions:


Your marriage affects others.  If you model excellent relationship skills and have a great marriage, you will help others do the same and enjoy life in the same way.  And many say children need their parents to love each other more than they need parents to love them.

Conclusion: A Ripple Effect of Stronger Marriages

Because marriage is a journey of continual growth, no relationship is without challenges. By addressing negative behaviors, fostering respect, and building resilience, mentors can not only improve their own marriages but also inspire others to do the same.

When mentors model these principles, they empower couples to navigate conflicts and grow stronger together. The ripple effect of such guidance can significantly reduce divorce rates and strengthen communities. By dedicating themselves to this work, mentor couples create legacies of love, perseverance, and resilience.